Language Victory Number One

Today, a girl got on the elevator with me and said, "Floor five please," in Czech. I understood her, pushed the correct button, and said good-bye in Czech. Thank you. Thank you very much. 

Christine’s Travel Advice: How to find the town square

If you are living in Prague during a Czech holiday, you will no doubt feel like visiting a smaller town to get some variety. I am here to help you accomplish that. When visiting a town where you have done minimal research to get there, you will find that the train does not actually come into the town. You will need a bus that doesn’t really bring you to the center either. Now begins a process by which all tourists following my advice can find the town center.

1. Walk in the direction of clumps of buildings. That will be your best bet. The closer they are together, the closer you are to the center.

2. Walk toward a church. All European towns have churches in the center. The problem arises when there is more than one. Pick one. If it is not correct, find the next steeple and head toward that.

3. Head away from the sound of traffic. That is a sure sign of outlying areas.

4. Ask which general direction you should face when you walk. The answer may or may not help.

5. It will be raining when you attempt all of this. Ignore it. Pretend it is not there.

6. Take pictures. It is the modern day equivalent of Hansel dropping bread crumbs so he could find his way back to the bus stop. Or his father’s house, I can’t remember which.

7. All of this walking will make you hungry. You should find a local-looking place, which will actually turn out to be Tex-Mex. You will wonder how far you have been walking. You thought it was only an hour, not several weeks.

8. You will find that the Czechs make exquisite flautas. (I’m talking kalamata olives here.) Tip generously.

9. You will then feel refreshed enough to continue following these instructions to the center.

10. After a few more wrong turns, you will feel elation at having found the town center, which is actually on the other side of a church you walked past before.

11. Insert “Walk around the church” in step 2 before “If it is not correct, find the next steeple and head toward that.”

12. The center will not be nearly as spectacular as you had built it in your mind. You will doubt whether you have even found the center and wonder if you should keep following these directions.

13. Do not fall into despair. Take a few pictures and begin your trek back to the train station. After all, your train will be leaving in four hours, and you need to allow sufficient time to get back to the station.

14. Use your photographic memory to retrace your steps to the bus stop. If you do not have a photographic memory, I can’t help you.

If you follow these tried and true directions, you will find that Google is extraneous. After all, doesn’t every sentimental cross-stitched pillow say that the joy is in the journey, not the destination?

Now, ignore everything I just told you and get a map at a museum. It will be the only way to get back to Prague, and it will show you how you took the longest, most complicated route possible. You are allowed to feel foolish at this moment. 

Also, if you feel that you may at any point during the day require a restroom, stay at home. There is an adorable little café across from your apartment. 

This is my sixth address in one year. I hardly even know where I am, so it's a wonder to me that other people try to keep up with it. I have trouble remembering the area codes, the country codes, the city codes. Am I in Prague 1, DD1 4HE, or 53126? When people ask me where I live, I have to think carefully before I respond. Today, I stumbled upon a quote by Ibn al-Arabi in my favorite book. "As soon as you see a house you say, this is where I want to stay, but scarcely have you arrived that you leave again, in order to be on your way once more." So where am I going next? 

I should conduct a study called Can a human being survive on ham and cheese baguettes and apples? If the conclusion points to No, I am in serious trouble.